So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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