I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
