If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He better not be in your backpack
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
