I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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