Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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