Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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