i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
