smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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