I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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