also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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