dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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