I want to have your abortion
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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