Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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