The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
