I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
