I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
