I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
