I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
