what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
