I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
