Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
