When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
