I'm gonna have a badass scar
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
