Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
