Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
