the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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