Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
