ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
