I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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