so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
