The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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