carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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