Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
