She is in my trunk
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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