i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
