And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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