If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
