i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
