I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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