You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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