I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
