he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
