We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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