So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Your penis caused this!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
