you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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