I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
