One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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