You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
