he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you traded sex for a burrito?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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