I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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